WAR ON ILLUSION
Youth Of Today tour diaries
October 9th, 1985
"Come drunk to
the show. Looking for a fight. Stumble my way and WE JUST MIGHT." I'm not a punk
rocker. I'm not into punk. I'm into hard music with a positive message. That's
it. The punk message of destruction, fighting, negativity, "live for the moment
- forget the future," is a bunch of crap. It's fit for rednecks and jocks. I'm
not into death rock or metal either. All of this is just defiling our
minds.
Straight edge is the only thing that makes sense and I don't care if
this punk scene is too thick to understand it. There are a lot of us who feel
this way now. If everyone won't change and give up this foolishness, then we can
create a scene within a scene. Why drink? Why smoke? How is that hardcore? To
me, hardcore means change. That stuff that they are doing is old. Everyone
drinks and smokes in high school. I always hated those kids in my school, and I
hated that whole "party" scene, but this punk rock scene is no different. We
must make a change. I personally dedicate myself to making a change.
Dec 16th, 1985
Porcell and me shaved
our heads today. Hair is stupid. It's simply there for vanity. People spend
hours in front of the mirror trying to look cool... shaving your head makes so
much sense. But I'm not into the skinhead thing, though... I'm into American
style hardcore.
Graham and Pesce wouldn't shave their heads. They're such
wimps. They're so influenced by their college buddies and families. Screw that.
The fact is, you have to do what you know is right and stop being so
spineless.
The world is filled with so many jellyfish-like people who are
weak-minded, but I tell you this... if you don't do what you know is right, then
you set yourself up to be controlled by people who want to manipulate you. Some
king of the skinheads will convince you to get some stupid skinhead tattoo. And
you'll do it out of weakness. Or some frat boy types will pressure you into
drinking and you'll do it because you're weak. You're too weak to say "Sorry,
man, but I hate the taste of Jack Daniels. I don't want to drink it." Weak
people will always get manipulated. You must be strong-minded, introspective and
outspoken, or else you're doomed in this world. "Can't hear your voice back in
the crowd. Move up front and shout out loud. TAKE A STAND."
Dec. 20th, 1985
We played CBGB's
today with Agnostic Front. Before the show, Johnny Stiff came up to me and said
"Hey Ray, if you think there's ever gonna be a straight edge scene in New York,
you can forget it! You'll never get the drugs out of this city. Minor Threat
used to come up here and people were into them, but you just can't get the drugs
out of the Lower East Side." I didn't really say anything in response, but I
thought "Well, are you so proud of that? Are you proud that all these kids are
quitting school, huffing glue, smoking dust and becoming professional losers?"
All right, I admit that to sell yourself to IBM and give up your creativity and
personal freedom to work 9 to 5 sucks, but life on the Lower East side with this
drugged-out punk culture sucks too! All these kids are gonna be dead in a few
years...
Inwardly, I dedicated one of the songs to Johnny Stiff. Externally
I said "I don't drink and I don't smoke and I don't take any drugs because I
don't want to waste my life away! This song's called POSITIVE OUTLOOK!" What
made me proud was that I said it loud and with indifference towards what people
thought, because ultimately I know I've got a better path.
September 1st, 1986
Porcell's been
saving his money from working some crappy landscaping job all summer. He's
psyched, though, because he just spent all his money on a Marshall half stack
and a Gibson Les Paul. His father's really proud of him because he's been
working so hard... only his dad thinks he's gonna use the money for
college!
I just talked to Porcell on the phone and he finally told his father
the truth. He said "Ray, it was horrible. My father was sitting in the basement
reading the paper. I finally got up the guts and walked up to him and said 'Uh,
Dad, uh, I've got something to tell you... you know how I've been working all
summer? Well, I just spent the money on a new guitar and an amp. And you know
how I'm supposed to be going to college in a few days? Well, I can't go because
I'm going on tour with the band. And by the way, when I get back, I'm not coming
here - I'm moving to New York City with Ray.' I expected screaming, cursing -
even a slap in the face! But it was worse. He just shook his head softly and
said 'John, you really let me down. I thought you were the one who was going to
make something out of his life. Now you're just hanging out with that drifter,
Cappo. Yeah, John, I can't tell you how disappointed I am with you.' Then he
quietly went back to his paper. I wish he hit me. I wish he beat the crud out of
me! But this was worse. He just calmly called me a loser. Anyway, let's go on
tour."
I'm so sick of parents and all their expectations of who and what
their children should be. Go to college, get married, get a high-paying job -
just do exactly what they did and then and only then will they be proud. But
what kind of happiness has that lifestyle brought them? "Please don't expect too
much from me. I may not turn out how you want me to be. I'm sorry if I let you
down, but I must decide Where my future's bound. You're EXPECTATIONS are too
much. Get off my back!"
January 17th, 1987
Being a New
Yorker has turned me into stone. I'm losing all my qualities of compassion, love
and consideration. I see so many homeless and starving. I see so many beggars on
the street. What can I do? It's painful and distressing to even think about it.
And like a typical New Yorker, I turn it off. I change the channel. I try not to
let my mind dwell on their existence for too long. It's too painful to accept
the burdens of the world on my shoulders.
But the pain is still there. If a
deer sees a lion, he may close his eyes... but this will not save the deer. I
can close my eyes to all the suffering in the city. I can pretend it doesn't
exist. But what good will this do? When the godforsaken bum with the squeegee
comes to wash my windshield on Houston St., I can flip on my wipers and not even
stare him in the eye... but he still exists.
This is my dilemma. What I'm
doing is shutting everything out. New York style. And I hate myself for it. I
hate what I'm becoming. I hate the fact that I've lost my sensitivity. I hate
the fact that I'm not crying 24 hours a day for suffering humanity. Just see
what people's priorities are. Others are starving tonight. Not in Cambodia or
some other intangible 3rd world country, but in New York City, outside our own
front doors.
Shouldn't this be our first priority? Shouldn't we all not be
able to sleep tonight? Shouldn't the Knicks cancel their game? Shouldn't David
Letterman get serious for a moment and make a public plea for the world to
become human again?
Now I've become callous and unconscious too. And I hate
it. I've got to change. "See them on the streets. We walk right by. What little
value placed on human lives. But it's time we MAKE A CHANGE."
November 21st, 1987
After the
Anthrax show, me and Porcell had some sort of meeting to decide whether or not
to make a song about vegetarianism. We decided it's important even though we
think the straight edge scene is going to flip out on us. Practically no one's a
vegetarian, but to me it goes along with everything straight edge stands for...
and that's exactly what I'm going to say when I get on stage.
I recently read
a book interviewing killers. Since these killers would stab and shoot people so
often, it totally hardened their emotions. They'd lose all empathy. After
repeated murders, they became indifferent to the screams and killing became very
casual. They became desensitized and depersonalized their victims.
Meat
Eaters are the same way. Depersonalized.They look at animals as "things" and not
living beings. And that way the killing becomes very easy. Just hear the way
they talk - "It's just some ground chuck, a side of beef..." But no! They are
persons. Living entities. Sentient beings. They have personality. How can we
deny that animals have personality?
Our planet has made something so gruesome
seem so ordinary. And if I don't sing about it, if I don't preach about it, well
then I am guilty also. If we reach one person, it will be worth it.
"Meat-eating, flesh eating - think about it. So callous to the crime that we
commit. Stuffing our face with no sympathy. What a selfish, hardened society. NO
MORE."
January 2nd, 1988
Okay, right now
this band seems so important to me. I've been doing it for a few years. This
entire scene seems so bright now, too... but where will it all be in 10, 15 or
20 years? Just like when I was in the 5th grade. My best friend was this kid
Nate. We were inseparable. We'd hang out together all the time. But now we've
got nothing in common. I haven't seen him in over a decade and he means nothing
to me. Will this entire scene mean anything to me 10 years from now? Will my
friends and all my diary entries as well as all my adventures even be in my
memory banks as time ticks by?
I hope I can at least remember and appreciate
the spirit of these times. Of trying to live a simple, honest life. Of trying to
inspire others. I'm gonna write a song about it, so in the future I can think
back and try to kindle this same sincere mood.
"This is a time that we can
live our dreams. A time so pure, at least it seems. A simple life, a modest one,
where money played a minor role. And I'll pray and I'll try to keep this spirit
inside as I start to grow old. This is A TIME TO REMEMBER."
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